I have a confession.
This confession feels absolutely terrible to even put in writing. It is my reality though.
I do not dream of Madison. I have only had three dreams of her that I actually remember since the day she left. I don’t know why; I try so hard to dream of her. Every night I focus on what her face looks like, her mannerisms and her voice before I go to sleep. Sometimes I think about her for hours upon hours before I finally drift off to sleep, but still no dreams of her.
My very first dream of her was almost an entire year after she died. In this first dream, her and I were outside in the dark and I could barely see her in the distance. She was so hard to see in the darkness and I was only able to catch a glimpse of her when she would turn her head towards me as she ran ahead. I kept calling out to her and running to catch her, but she was always just out of reach and would fade into the darkness over and over, each & every time I got closer. I’m no dream expert and am not sure what this dream actually represented, but I think it was something to do with my urgency as her mother, to find her and be with her physically, when my subconscious knew I couldn’t reach her anymore. I feel this dream was my brain’s way of trying to better process my loss.
The second dream I had was around the first of this year and I have written about this dream previously. It took me several months to find the courage to put this dream into words. This dream was a very real visit and message directly from my precious daughter. I believe this with all my heart. In written form this dream came out of my heart as a poem and writing it literally brought me to my knees. It is so precious to me. My baby finally visited me and she had a message for me too.
I had a dream
A dream of you and me
What a wonderful yet heartbreaking dream it would turn out to be
We sat so close
Face to face
Not doing or saying a thing
We both were content
Just you and me
I reached for your face
To see if you were real
Then you grabbed my hand
While I touched your beautiful face
But you could not stay
Your presence began to fade
You were leaving
Almost swirling about
And just before you left
You said these few words
You said “Mom”
“Please do not worry about me”
“I have been set free”
And I fell to my knees
https://mygriefjourney.org/2019/04/16/in-a-dream-of-you-me/
The very last dream I’ve had of my beautiful daughter was only a couple of nights ago. It was a very brief flash of her face and felt like a bolt of lightning struck my head and radiated through brain. I woke abruptly and immediately, sobbing like I had just lost her and not really knowing what was going on. I still don’t understand.
I do wish she would visit me in my dreams more often. I miss her so and want nothing more than to see her again, even if it’s only in my dreams.
I don’t understand why she doesn’t visit me more often. I don’t understand why my mind doesn’t allow me to dream of past events or anything about her. I just don’t understand why I cannot dream of my daughter, but she is always on my mind. It breaks my heart and just doesn’t seem fair. She’s been ripped away from me, even ripped from my dreams.
