Before I get started, let me just say that I’m going to try to make as much light of this situation as I can. Because it was an extraordinarily difficult day to begin with, already planning on attending Madison’s Senior classmates’ graduation the same night and not knowing how the evening would play out at all. So, I’m really going to try to not beat up on myself too much about this.
I decided that I needed one thing from our local Walmart & had asked my husband to make a store run earlier in the day, at his convenience. He usually handles most of the shopping. Since let’s face it, I have anxiety issues in public places. Places like stores or pretty much anywhere except for work and my doctors’ offices. This past Friday was a long overdue day off for him though and he had just fallen asleep on the couch, taking a quick afternoon nap.
I had a bright idea and I’m honestly not sure what happened or even how it came over me. But I felt like I already had my big girl pants on for the day because I was attending graduation so I could certainly handle something this simple on my own. Yes. Definitely! Right? Especially since I was only going to the store for one single and very specific item. Plus, our little rural Walmart is but a small fraction of the size of most any other Walmart in existence nowadays.
I had this. I could do it. I didn’t even wake Damon to let him know how I was actually running my very own errand this time, by myself, for the first time in, well…forever. I just proceeded to pull my big girl pants up high, then proudly head on my way.
I got there, no problem and only felt a trace of discomfort walking in. I had a mission and my mission was clear. Grab what I needed, my one item and get the heck out of Dodge. I walked straight to what I needed, grabbed it and headed directly back to the front of the store to checkout. I chose self-checkout, everything else had a line and lines don’t usually work in my favor. So I began my transaction and let me tell you, by the time I finished paying for my one little item and had grabbed my bag to walk out, I was literally pouring sweat, feeling nauseated and blacking out.
So I did what any rational person on the verge of a full-blown panic attack would do. I got in my car and headed out of the parking lot immediately. Perfectly rational, yea.
On my way home it only continued to escalate and I had cranked up my A/C to full blast to try and help with the sweating and nausea. My heart rate decided to wait until I was just out of town and in the middle of my 12-15 minute drive back home to really stick it to me. So not only was I sweating profusely, on the verge of throwing up, blacking out visually, a complete icicle from the air conditioner, but now my heart was beating so fast and hard that I just knew I was having a heart attack for real this time.
I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it back home at this rate. I called Damon on the phone and made him basically just stay on the phone with me until I was on our road and safe.
Anyway, I did end up making it back home. I calmed down after a while too. But the moral of this story is that I actually tried to go outside of my comfort zone, even though I wasn’t entirely successful. I did try though and had conjured up a little piece of my lost courage in the meanwhile.
And next time I get a bright idea, like this one, I’ll just have to pull out the more serious weapons before I leave the house.