In my prior blog post: WAIT A MINUTE…MY BIG GIRL PANTS SUDDENLY GOT WAY TOO SMALL AND WAY TOO FAST
I talked about my latest panic attack. I had gone to the store for a simple task and ended up having a full-blown panic attack as I was leaving and on the way to my car. Yes, you heard it right, as I was leaving. It made no sense at all, I had already accomplished what I set out to do.
Sure, I made some light of the situation and even poked a little fun at myself when I wrote about it. But anxiety is very real and can be absolutely crippling at times.
It’s nothing to joke or laugh about either.
Typically, I try to avoid going to stores, running unnecessary errands or attending public and social events. I don’t do this because I am scared of people or afraid of crowds and places in the slightest. Because I’m in no way scared of these things.
My honest & ugly truth is: I fear my anxiety and how it makes me feel.
I avoid these things now because there is no reasoning with or any type of predictability to my personal anxiety meltdowns & panic attacks. There is no true rhyme or reason. Period.
My issues with anxiety do not make one iota of sense to me. In stressful events, I usually have no anxiety or panic response at all. I am actually highly likely to remain calm during these times. Calm is just my nature. I even remained in control of my anxiety during what would’ve been Madison’s graduation ceremony. You’d think my anxiety would’ve been through the roof, going through such a difficult milestone, and it was not.
I think my calm nature must be why suffering from such unpredictable anxiety now, at this point & time, has been so terribly debilitating for me.
I’ve always had fairly good control over my emotional responses to almost anything. Except my grief. But even with that, I’ve learned to let it happen, when it happens. Through all the depression, crying, sadness and almost any other emotion that comes as part of my personal grief, it still makes sense to me. These emotions are validated in my mind. I may not have control over them; I’d be lying, if I said I did. But I understand them, and do not fear them, and I am not ashamed of my grief either.
This anxiety now, defies my entire nature though. What has happened to me?
When I first lost Madison, I did experience plenty of anxiety and panic attacks. I sorta knew what was behind the panic. It made some sense to me. I understood to a degree; even as awful as it would feel, when it did happen. There were actual thoughts behind my anxiety during those days. My mind was adjusting to the unnatural feeling of being separated from my daughter. I got it, for the most part. My analytical mind told me that there was a reason behind everything I was feeling.
What I go through now, is a completely different beast though.
Now, when it happens, there are no real thoughts in my head except fear of nothing, and fear of the panic and the physical symptoms that inevitably follow. It makes no sense to me, AT ALL.
I just do not know. Maybe I’m secretly, a giant control freak and fear this extreme loss of control. Maybe I accept all my other emotions because I can understand them. Maybe having such an analytical mind and thought process is the reason I’m so scared of this irrational, unpredictable, unexplainable and uncontrollable anxiety.
I cannot reason with THIS anxiety now, and it drives me absolutely crazy!
Whatever THIS is, it just really, really needs to go.