At some point we all reach a time in our grieving process when people begin to find it more and more unacceptable that we continue to grieve our loved ones. They may even say things that make us feel guilty for grieving. They may begin to speak behind our backs, saying things like, “enough is enough already”. They may begin to lose understanding of the hurt we still wake up to every day.
As for me, I can say without hesitation, that I in no way, and in any shape or form want or like to still be grieving. I actually hate it more than I can describe in words, if truth be told. I wish it was different, and I could just wake up one random morning, snap out of it and suddenly no longer feel this extraordinary pain in my heart, this eternal longing, these feelings of despair and fear. If I could, I would, I’d definitely wish it all away. I would, if it were at all possible.
Grief is love unfinished though. My personal grief is the consequence of a truly undying love in my heart. So as long as this love remains, so shall my grief. There is no time limit for grief, just as there is no limit to the amount of love one can carry in their heart for another. I will always grieve because I will always love.
As time goes by, I do hope to learn to live life with some joy again. I do have hope that my grief will turn into a gentler wave of emotions, instead of the constant hurricane I currently walk through every day. I have hope left in my heart, and yet, still, I grieve. Love is just complex like that. All can be totally lost and you can still feel hope at the same time because love exists.
Love can be so incredibly complex, leaving you extremely grateful, having had experienced it and also be the very thing which has left you so indescribably broken, through and through.
I personally, feel thankful to have known this depth of love in my heart for another human-being. I am thankful to have known a unique type of love, which only I, as a mother, can carry in my heart for my children. I am thankful to have experienced this magnitude of love twice during my lifetime. I am thankful for the very love which also hurts me so deeply now, since Maddy has run ahead of me.
If today, I have risen to see my very last sunrise, my life has been complete. I have already experienced love which there are no words, in any language, to ever fully describe.
And only someone who has loved this deeply could ever understand that grief truly has no expiration date.