Tag: guilt

The Haunting

I have this haunting A haunting, no one else can see You, my dear, have left and haunted me You left me with this haunting so deep inside of me I have this haunting, you see A haunting of dreams to never be And a future changed so shockingly Never before have I felt so

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Because of HIS Grace I Stood

When I first lost my daughter I was in complete and utter shock. I was in shock for multiple reasons. My precious baby had died plus I had suffered great trauma in finding her and trying to save her. The time leading up to her funeral service was a blur. I remember that I could

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Can Losing A Pet Be As Hard As Losing A Loved One

I read an article this morning titled “Researchers Reveal Losing A Dog Can Be As Hard As Losing A Loved One”. I read the article in full and I do not disagree that losing a beloved pet can DEFINITELY be hard and that we can love our pets so much that we do have to

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Knowing My Own Limits While Re-Entering Life

I have written some previously about my inability to physically go anywhere but one or two places and how I have become almost entirely agoraphobic because I suffer from overwhelming fear & panic while in public as well as most social situations. This is the most frequent topic of conversation with my grief councillor. He

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Let’s Talk Unresolved or Complicated Grief

Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own, very personal manner. So who’s to say that someone might have unresolved or complicated grief? Is there really anything ‘normal’ when it comes to grieving the loss of someone you love? How is grief not complicated and how is it ever possible to resolve? Who

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Seeing Myself Unabridged

I have a lot of time to think to myself, I mean lots of time. I am typically in deep thought even when I am busy doing something else. I am not present even while in the presence of others. I have become an efficient multitasker, but with the consequence of disconnecting. This post isn’t

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Washed Away

When both of my daughters were little I used to have a recurring nightmare. It was the only nightmare I can recall having while I was a young mother with two young children. This nightmare would always frighten me wide awake and I’d be covered in sweat. I would have to ground myself, realizing that

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No ‘at least’ in child loss – My two cents on saying at least to a grieving parent

There is no ‘at least’ in childloss. No one can convince me otherwise on this. I understand that people honestly mean well anytime they begin a sentence with “at least” while speaking of my loss. The truth is, that I cringe inside when anyone says something like “At least you have another child. At least

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Is It Glorifying The Imperfect

I lost my daughter to a drug related accident. My daughter was imperfect; she acted out, just like most teenagers do and she ultimately did something that caused her own death. So why do I “glorify” her in my writing? I have a very simple answer to this question. LOVE. I love my daughter unconditionally

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His Patience and My Purpose

It’s been a little more than two years keeping my feelings and what is in my heart almost entirely to myself, only ever speaking of the most superficial. I’ve never spoke aloud or written any of what’s been pouring out of my heart recently. I have been so angry with God over Maddy’s death. But

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Signs From Our Loved Ones

I’ve heard it said that there are signs of our loved ones everywhere. I’ve heard that some of the signs can come by way of butterflies, dragonflies, cardinals, a cloud formation, a ray of light or feathers, just to name a few. I’ve seen all of these things regularly throughout my journey and I want

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Sinking-Screaming Silently

At times it feels like I’m sinking into a dark hole while screaming out “Why can’t anyone hear me? Can’t anyone see the pain I’m in? Why isn’t anyone helping me?” But all my screams are totally silent so I go another day feeling like my pain is completely invisible to everyone else. The sensation

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When Maddy Loved

When Maddy loved, she truly loved with her whole heart. She loved her Papaw wholeheartedly no doubt. He had always been a huge part of her everyday life for most of her life. I know from personal experience all the reasons she loved him so, as he is my father and in my eyes no

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Half Here – Half There

This life long journey I’m on is hard. I know I’m not alone, but it’s still so lonely being here. See, I have two beautiful daughters which I love more than anything in the world. I’m a mother here on earth and I’m a mother in heaven. This journey of mine is not fair to

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I Know You

I know you I know all about you I know what it felt like as you grew inside me I know what it felt like to hold you for the first time & every time that followed  I know every fleck of color & sparkle in your eyes I know the tears that fell from

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Reasons Why I’m Strong

I never chose to become a grieving mother. There have been many times when I have wanted to give up completely and I often wonder how I haven’t died from my broken heart alone. Surely it’s enough to stop a heart, right? Carrying such lament is not for the faint of heart. It takes a

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